a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
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ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™