How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
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If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]