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99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
🤣✨#caturday
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
Finally!
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.