Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
You Might Also Like
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.