It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
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If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
This is always good for a laugh.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
DOOO EEEET
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.