I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
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When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.