No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
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Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
stop
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
I already tried new things thanks.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*