Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
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ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.