Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
You Might Also Like
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
*seductively eats two tums*
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
lol
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit