If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
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why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone