My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
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[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.