why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
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One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
My dad is at it again
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?