Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
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I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself