All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
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I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
You saw nothing. I am ham.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
Thoughts
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
I came this close!!!!
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no