I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
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WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack