[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
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I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
[eats all your cotton candy]
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.