When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
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You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have