My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
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Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
Smallpox sounds so adorable
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
Always a metermaid never a meter
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad