It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
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waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me