these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
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It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.