Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
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I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
My first son he is wonderful
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?