Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
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6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!