Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
You Might Also Like
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
kevin is now a local weatherman
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*