Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
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Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English