4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
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A classic example of a cat being a cat.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
How to woo a woman
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.