To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
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People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?