My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
You Might Also Like
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed