You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
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half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
Blew my mind.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!