So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
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Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
WHY?!
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
#parenting
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured