I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
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*seductively corrects your posture*
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
BaD BoY!!
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake