Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
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Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.