If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
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me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.