I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
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11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
bugs when you lift up a rock
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]