the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
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Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
Stop it! 😂
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
my retirement plan is braless
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories