[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
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Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
don’t we all
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.