My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
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ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
my dad when a sex scene comes on
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you