How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
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Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!