Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
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If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.