Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
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Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
Yup.
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.