I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
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*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.