[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
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[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.