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I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.