sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
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8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
saving face 👀
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
Delightful if true: booby trap.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes