Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
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Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
Stick it to the man
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…