My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
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I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
They did not miss in the small print
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
#ParentingFacts
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE