It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
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If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
My purse is deeper than some people.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
True.
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
I want what they have
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT