*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
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Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
The writer is someone who decides school wasn鈥檛 enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
Most people will give you their jacket if you鈥檙e naked and tell them you come from the future.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can鈥檛 have both.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room馃槒
Cutest fight ever.. 馃槉
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture