Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
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I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though