The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
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The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
My wife has the worst taste in men.
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
sigh
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”