Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
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God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
Was it something I said?
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
🔦🌙👣
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?